Blame

For those of you who know me really well, you know I've been divorced for more than two years now and why. Since then, I've moved to Alaska to start my life over. And start my life over I DID! I have much more of an appreciation for family, a great appreciation for the sanctity of marriage and for once in my life I have Faith. All of which I didn't have before.

Sometimes I wonder why I got married. I wonder if I truly loved the man, which I believe I did. I wonder if it was partially because it was the next thing to do, which it seems like it kind of was. I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if I had listened to the advice of certain people in my life how things might have been and might be today. However, I also know that I can't change his actions, the facts or the past. I am thankful for the gift of freedom he gave me and a new start at life. Something I will be eternally grateful for.

Ok, now you are probably wondering what the whole purpose of this is, well I'll tell you. Lately I've been thinking and talking to a good friend about relationships. On Thursday night we were talking and he asked me if I enjoy being single. The answer is honestly NO. I hate it. I loved being married. Having someone to talk to, to spend time with, to lean on when times were difficult. I miss having that companionship.

As our conversation progressed I told him that although I miss these things, the idea of a relationship honestly scares me. It's not so much the idea of the relationship, but the implications and the possibilities of being in a relationship. What I mean is, if I were to build a friendship into a relationship, there is the possibility of that relationship moving forward into a marriage someday. The fear I have lies right there. The fear that this marriage might fail and/or I will be devastatingly hurt AGAIN by his actions.

This fear also stems from the idea that he will do the same or similar things. I know that not all men are the same. I know that men do not start a relationship with the idea of "I am going to destroy her life and hurt her". My problem lies in the idea that I KNOW these things but I am having a hard time BELIEVING them. 

I was watching a movie recently and one of the main characters was divorced and while talking to the other main character he said, "Got divorced yeah. I had to move back in with my parents. Work myself out of debt. Try to figure out how not to blame every woman on the planet for honest whorish ways".

This was a perfect summary of how I feel and how I think:

My name is Trish.
I am divorced.
I live with my parents.
I am working myself out of debt.
I am still trying to figure out how not to blame every man on the planet for "his" honest whorish ways.