Making "Sense" of Christmas

As my Christmas vacation winds down, I think back over all the things I have experienced. I think of the different sights, sounds, touch, smells and touch of Christmas; there are so many things I experienced and these are just some of them!

The "Sounds" of Christmas
~Kids giggling and laughing
~New baby crying
~Jingle bells and Salvation Army ringers
~Roxy barking
~TV/xbox on
~Christmas music
~People talking
~Texting on phone
~"I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" playing on the radio
~Southern Accents

The "Sights" of Christmas
~My Family- Nugent & Ramos side
~4 different airports and airplanes
~Gingerbread men and house
~Christmas tree
~Christmas lights
~Presents under the tree
~Interstate 10
~Alabama and Florida
~Sears Portrait Studio
~Wrinkles and Scooter
~3 mac computers lined up all being used

The "Smells" of Christmas
~Gingerbread
~Turkey
~Coconut
~Fresh baked cookies
~Pizza baking in the oven
~Shepherd's Pie
~New Baby smell

The "Touch" of Christmas
~Bubble Wrap
~Wrapping Paper
~Ribbon
~Tape
~Sticky icing and candies
~Fuzzy PJ's
~Soft Baby Skin
~Sticky Toddler Skin
~Roxy's soft hair


The "Taste" of Christmas
~Turkey
~Pumpkin Pie
~Coconut Macaroons
~Chocolate Chip Cookies
~Hot Apple Cider

One of my favorite memories from my trip to Alabama....

I was in the car driving with mom and we were talking about my favorite silly Christmas song, "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and she said she hadn't heard it yet. I was reminded how last year she called into the radio station and dedicated it to me and had it play as I drove home from Anchorage where I worked. As the song playing ended and the next one started I started to giggle and laugh. That song was our song, and as we sang about hippo's and chimney floo's, I couldn't help but smile and look at mama. We were on our way to do a little Christmas shopping and as we got to the store and went down the christmas ornament aisle, what was there? A Hippo on skies! I just had to have it! So I bought it!! This year I got my very own "Hippopotamus" for Christmas!

Sweet "HOME" Alabama!

I've made it to Alabama! I am sooo excited. I got in yesterday. I quickly showered and proceeded to hold my absolutely beautiful niece Paige for the rest of the afternoon. At some point I had to share her so I gave her to Grandma and I played with my very cute nephews. I can't believe how much they have grown in the last year since I saw them last. It was so much fun.

A few pictures of the kids thus far!

Alex

Alex and Johnny

Paige

A Time To Reflect

Wow, I can't believe it's December already. Where did the year go? As I reflect on the past year I have can personally see how much I have grown. It's unbelievable to imagine what my life used to be like compared to what it is now. I am so thankful to have the Gospel in my life helping me along the way. 


A few weeks ago I was talking to a dear friend who served his Mission up here in Alaska and has been home for almost a year now. He asked me if I ever imagined myself where I am now. Honestly, I knew happiness, but I didn't know Joy. I knew friendship, but I didn't know Loyalty. I knew life, but I didn't know Love. He along with many others brought these to my life. I never would have imagined my life to be as truly blessed as it is right now. I am so thankful to him and to everyone else who helped me find these things. 


This year has been tough for me in a few ways as well. I moved to Alaska to be with my family, only to have them move. However I know that one of the many lessons I must learn is to take care of myself. After my divorce, I moved here and let my family "fix" things for a while. I sat back and let things happen but never stood up and took charge of my life. The past 6 months I have really had to take charge of my own life, make decisions, face the consequences, learn and try again. I am starting to return back to the "Trish" I knew so long ago that got pushed far back into the inner depths of who I thought I was. 


I'm excited though, here in a few weeks I am getting my own place. It's something I have wanted to do for a long time. Recently I was able to pay off a debt that I had. It was relieving, liberating and peaceful. It opened many doors for me and closed a big one. Paying off this debt allowed me to afford more independence. It is something I've needed and am able to do for myself.  I am truly grateful for all those who have helped me out along the way when I honestly couldn't do it alone..... my family, the Williams and the Hardys. Their help is something that I will always be grateful. I learned many things about myself from all of them.  


I am so excited for Christmas. I am heading down to Alabama to see my families! Yes, F-A-M-I-L-I-E-S (PLURAL!) !! I get to see my family from up here in Alaska, I get to see my brother and his family, and I get to see my dad. I haven't had Christmas with them in so long, Over 20 years actually with my dad. I am looking forward to it. I will also get to see my beautiful niece Paige who joined us early this morning.  She is such a little princess already from what I hear. She is such a joy to our family and a prayer that has been answered. 

Paige Annabell Ramos

DOB: 12/10/2009

1:12AM

7 lbs, 7 oz.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

~Victor Frankl

Thankful for Family

It's Thanksgiving! I ate an absurd about of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, and many other side dishes one could possibly imagine. The food was amazing and I enjoyed myself and I am truly grateful for the invitation to join the Farnsworth Family for the holiday.

I did sneaked out and call my family today. I got to talk to each of them for awhile. It was great to hear their voices, but it really made me miss them all the more. This was the first Thanksgiving I've had without some sort of family near. It really made me reflect on the blessing of family.

I guess in a way I have always taken my family for granted. It wasn't until last summer that I learned to appreciate them. I would do anything for my family. I am truly grateful for the love and the support they give me. I miss them and wish I could be with them. I pray for their well-being and I pray in gratitude for each and every one of them daily.

I am blessed and grateful to know that Families are Forever. And I look forward to the day that blessing can become a reality for me.

Show Thanks for your Freedoms

I want to thank all of my family and friends who have or who are serving in the military for my freedoms. What you have done is selfless and amazing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Temple Blessings

I am truly amazed and blessed to be able to go to the Temple for my own Endowment. It was an absolutely amazing experience, so special, so sacred, so true, so real. I am blessed to be able to make these Sacred Covenants with Heavenly Father. I can feel his happiness, his love for me and how proud He is. 

I have such amazing friends who support my and my decision to go through the Temple. I felt so loved and blessed to have some of them there with me!!

Promises, promises, promises.

Lately a lot of things have been coming up at church about dating and relationships. It's been rather frustrating. In my opinion, there seems to be a huge disconnect between the readiness of the two larger parties involved. I feel that the urgency of marriage is being pushed upon a collective group of individuals that is not ready to make the promises necessary. With that in mind, the other day I read a story that I want to share....

"Promises, promises, promises. It seems that good friends always keep their promises. Several years ago I met a girl with whom I feel madly in love. She was beautiful, talented, and fun to be with. I finally got up enough courage to ask her out. She said yes! I couldn't believe it. I don't even remember what we did because I was so happy to be going out with her. We were together, and that's all that mattered. I was a prince in frog's clothing, and she was a beautiful princess.  

We went out a few more times, and I was beginning to wonder if she liked me the way I liked her. The magic moment finally arrived. I took her to her door and was saying goodbye when she stepped close to me, took me by the hand, looked deep into my eyes, and asked, "Would you like to go to general conference with me on Saturday?" Not exactly what I expected, but of course I said yes. 

There was a minor problem though. I was going to be in Idaho staying with a friend the night before conference. If I was going to go with her, I would have to leave Idaho at about three in the morning to make it back for our date- the first session of conference. I knew it would be worth it! I told her I would make it in time, and she promised to pick me up at 8:30 A.M. 

As promised, I drove most of the night so I could meet her for our conference date. When I reached my home, I quickly got ready. I was tired and exhausted, but I was excited to be with her. In my best suit, with scriptures in hand, I excitedly looked out the window at 8:30 A.M. 

Half an hour later I was still looking. We have plenty of time, I  thought to myself. But by 9:30 A.M., she was still nowhere in sight. I began to worry and feel that it might be a good idea to give her a call. But then a thought crossed my mind: I want to see if she can keep her promise to pick me up in time for conference. It would be a great way to find out if she liked me enough to understand what I went through to meet her on time. I didn't call. 

I sat down on the couch and waited until 10 A.M., staring into the distance. Another hour soon passed. My frustration turned to disappointment. Then at 11:30 A.M. the phone rang. I quickly picked it up. 

"I'm sorry," she said. "My alarm didn't go off, and I slept in." I couldn't believe what i was hearing. I drove most of the morning to be with her. My mind understood that she didn't pick me up because she slept in, but my heart understood that she didn't care about me enough to keep her promise. What other promises would she not be able to keep in the future?"

There have been many times that the promises made to me have been forgotten or broken. The idea that the other person doesn't care enough about me, as a person, to keep their promises is a scary one. For about two years now, keeping promises is something that I have tried extra hard to do. If I say I am going to do something, I do everything I can to do it and keep that promise. This is something that I put high value on. When the story talked about the mind and heart understanding two different things, this was my "ah-hah" moment. It wasn't until this point that I realized the challenges we are faced in dating. The "promises" that we keep to each other can entirely make or break a relationship; keep it at a friendship level or allow it to progress to something more.

Halloween 2009

This year halloween rocked. I had so much fun at the dance....seeing all my friends, flirty with a few guys :-) , dancing and singing. It was major fun. I've attached a few pictures of last night and then recent pictures of my family down in Alabama! ENJOY!!!

Jenn, Bobby and I

Monkey See, Monkey Do.... Paul and I

Jenn-Tile and I

Power of Pink

Tony, Wes, Jasmine and the Batman Boys!

My Alabama Family!!!

Friends and Family. . . THANK YOU!

With the Thanksgiving holiday coming up shortly I am reminded of how many blessings I have in my life. As I sit here and think, I am believe that life is as it should be, that is for this brief moment in time. I'm content, I'm sincerely happy again. I have been truly blessed with some of the most amazing family members and friends. As I take some time to reflect on my relationships, I ask that you each take a moment to acknowledge those amazing family and friends in your life and thank them for all that they do for you! Remind them that you care for them, that you love them and that you are thinking about them.


Mom- Mama I love you! I miss you so much. I love that I can call you everyday on my way home from work. I love to hear your cheerful voice! Thank you so much for your support, for your advice (even when I don't wanna hear it!) Thank you for being an example to me, for being a strong, determined wife, mother, and daughter. You are amazing!

Dad- Pops! Old Man! I MISS YOU! General Conference was not the same this year. I missed curling up next to you and having some father daughter bonding time. I've probably never told you this but I admire you a lot. I admire your hard work. Your persistence to get the task done. I appreciate how you have taught me work ethic (Even though I complain about work all the time!). I miss your controlling nature. I miss it, I really do. Even Carleen misses it! Sometimes I need more boundaries in my life and you have always done a good job at keeping me grounded and focused. Thanks dad.

Tony and Jasmine- You two are amazing! You have an absolutely beautiful family! I hope someday I will have children as absolutely adorable as yours are. I can't wait to meet Baby Girl! I know life is hard at times, but I admire how you two have stuck it through and work hard at getting through it all. It's never easy, but this trial of your faith will make you strong. You have so many blessings in your life and I truly wish you all the happiness in the world. You both deserve it, you both deserve each other! Thank you for being my brother Tony, and thank you Jasmine for putting up with him to allow me to have a fabulous sister-in-law! I love you Girl!


Jenn and Carleen- I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you two. You have kept me grounded and sane. I love you two and hope and pray that we will be the three old ladies sitting there gossiping, ranting and yet laughing hysterically over absolutely ridiculous things. You two are my lifesavers! Thanks chicas!

Jenn- You always have something smart to say whenever I need to hear it and even when I don't. You are the one whom I can count on to understand my thoughts and my feelings. You understand where I'm coming from when most others don't, because you've been there. You always have the word of widsom that I need. For that I am grateful, for you I am grateful.

Carleen- I love how even though we are roommates in a house of caos (at times) we can still have our moments of fun and laughter. Sitting on our own beds, texting and chatting online while giggling the whole time. We have fun. I am so appreciative of the knowledge of the gospel you share with me. I am thankful for your concern and for your friendship.

Holly, Brittany, and Claudette- I have loved getting to know each of you better over the past few months. I feel that I can call you up at any time just to chat...wait a sec...I do! I love that you have been added to my circle of friends. You each inspire me in different ways to attain something more in my life. To remind myself there is more and to also remind myself how stupid some "things" really are. That I/we don't need to be "jaded" and can see the good in things. Thanks for your optimism and your cheerfulness ladies!

Sadly I can't list every single one of you. If I know you, if I am friends with you, or if I used to be friends with you and for some reason we don't talk anymore....PLEASE know that I am truly grateful for you. I have learned something important from you and that I do sincerely care about you!

Boys will Be Boys.....

My family has finally made it to Mobile, Alabama. After spending two months on the road driving from Wasilla, Alaska to Mobile, they were ready to call it quits! They are super excited to be there. They are loving the time they have with the grandbabies and Wesley is super excited to finally get to our brother Tony's house. He started school today and got to see the school production of Little Shop of Horror's. He must have loved it to have come home and told them about it.

Well after bugging the family for the past week for pictures I finally have a few to share. My two adorable little nephews Johnny and Alex! You will also see that they have adopted my puppy Roxy. I'm not sure I will ever get her back since Johnny has already claimed her as his puppy! She is loving the attention and the food!

Dad and the Grandbabies (Roxy included!)

It never fails, Dad always puts the babies to sleep!

Alex (left, 2yrs) and Johnny (right, 3 yrs)

Johnny and Roxy. She has found her spot!

Roxy! She is lucky I'm not there to stop her....

Alex wearing Daddy's shades!

The City.....

Wow, I miss the city! I miss the days of the girls (and guys at times) going to the club, dancing to music, laughing and just having a fantastic time. Last Friday night with the live music, it started something flowing again. I miss it. I need it. I crave it. So this is my goal...At least once a month, find some sort of event, club, something to attend to get this emptiness inside filled back up again!

Friday Night in the City

India Pics....
Scrumptious Dinner....
Motorcycle Ride....
Paperback Hero.....


Friday night I went into Anchorage to spend the evening with Paul. With both of our busy schedules we have been trying to find a time to get together. Well we finally did and it was a blast. It's been a while since I've had that much carefree, semi-last minute fun.

It started off looking at some amazing pictures of his trip to India. What a place. I couldn't believe their electrical wiring jobs! It was sadly funny to see a man work on the wires in bare feet climbing up on the pole. I've seen pictures of the Taj but to hear that it is as beautiful and amazing in person as in the pictures is cool. It was also interesting to see how different the country can be, dirt and barren to lush and green.

After looking at pictures we made a delicious meal. Paul took control of the salmon and moose steak, I made the salad and there just happened to be a caramel apples with pink and yellow sprinkles waiting to be eaten. I have to say it was deliciously yummy. Of course I'm still curious about whether or not the caramel came off the bowl in the dishwasher...hmmm!

Being that it is October and still in the 50's we decided to take his bike for a ride. We put on some 80s music and then some rock and jammed out. We enjoyed the smells of bonfires, the cool crisp autumn air and the sites and sounds of the city. After riding around for a bit Paul got a call from a friend who had won free tickets to see Paperback Hero in concert. We headed over and listened to them play live. Their set rocked. I love listening to live music and it really reminded me that I need to do that more often!

Simple Happiness

You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are."  ~Jeph Jacques


It's the fourth inning in this game I call My Life. I've just been thrown a curveball and I've been able to hit that curveball out of the way! Now I am on my way through the bases. There are obstacles I have to overcome on my way to each base, but each base in itself is a major accomplishment. Right now I'm on my way to first. I've hit a few speed bumps, tripped a few times and yet, I've picked myself up each time, dusted off the dirt and kept running full force. Many of these obstacles are other people. I've found the standards I have for myself are high. I expect the best out of myself or I get really disappointed in myself. Sometimes I have found the expectations others have of me are plainly ridiculous. A hard lesson for me to learn is to concentrate on making myself happy and not relying on others for happiness. I am happy to say am back on track, I am happy and loving life. This attitude will help me overcome those hurdles and reach the next base!

A Nice Surprise

I was standing in the hallway today with my class taking our afternoon bathroom break, when the secretary walked by me with these really pretty flowers. She stopped next to me and said they were for me. What?? ME?? "Are you sure?" I asked her. As I grabbed the card to see what it said and who they were from I was really curious. Why would I be getting flowers? When I opened the card, at first I was upset. The reason behind getting them not so pleasant, but the purpose of them in the end was sincere and sweet. Still doesn't mean things will change or be how they were, but I am grateful for the sunshine and happiness they bring to my desk.

Knock and I'll Answer

"It's a hard lesson to learn to just let some people go, and wait to find out if they come to you or not. Sometimes one should stop pursuing."


This simple statement is everything I am feeling inside but couldn't say myself. My friend who said this today must have been inspired to give me the words I lacked. I've said my peace, my two cents. My feelings and thoughts are out there, so I'm done pursuing. If things are going to change, there has to be effort made from the other parties involved. I want more than anything to move forward with people, but I know that I can't do it alone, it MUST be two sided. So until then, my life will continue. I will not be going after them, but if they knock... I WILL ANSWER.

Rebirth and Rejuvenation

Today is one of those cold Autumn mornings where all you want to do it curl up with a good book next to the fireplace with a cup of hot apple cider and just escape from the life for a few hours. However I know that is never productive and all it does is escape for a few hours. Problems aren't fixed, life is still there waiting for you.

Friday night I went to the Temple. Baptisms, it was fabulous. I was even more excited being there when Jenn poked me in the side and reminded me that next time I'm there it will be for my own endowment. WOW!

As I was sitting there in the Lord's House thinking about things and praying I was really forced to look at a few things in my life.  Without going into any details, the feelings I have were confirmed that it is ok to have them. I don't know why, because the Lord knows I don't want to feel this way. I don't understand why I do when I just want to let it all go. Perhaps someday I will understand.

I also thought about my life in the big picture and whether or not Alaska is the right place for me. As of right now I'm going to be here for another year. After that I'm not sure. There are times that I don't think or don't feel that this is the right place for me anymore. I think I have learned what it is I needed to learn, the reason I stayed here as my family moved, but I'm not sure there is anything more for me here. I wish there were, I'd really like there to be.

As the leaves have all fallen off the trees I am reminded that Autumn is a time for change. A time to prepare for new life. A time to shed ourselves of the old in order for rebirth and rejuvenation. I am going to take some time to prepare for "Spring". Prepare for new and better things to come. I know that Heavenly Father has something great in store for me. But in my state of mind, I am pretty sure I would miss it right now.

Love Will Find Me There

No one left to fool.
Every wall I've built is gone.
Don't know what to do
To get off the path I'm on.
I'm questioning the very truths
I've believed in all along.
Looking back on how it used to be
I wonder what went wrong.
Deep inside my heart there is a prayer
That love will find me there.

Living with the pain
From the choices I have made.
Knowing how to change
But believing it's too late.
Every path I take convinces me
That I don't know who I am.
But a voice inside is telling me
I've never gone too far.
Whispering the promise of a prayer
That love will find me there.

There's a broken heart that's healing.
There's a life that has been changed.
There are answers to the prayers that I have prayed.
When I'm sure my soul can't make it one more day.
Love will find me there and light my way.

One who knows my heart
And sees what I can't see
Has been there from the start
And believes in what I'll be.
He will shine a light through every
Darkest fear I'll ever know.
His arms are reaching out to me
Through the ones who'll love my soul.
He will hear my hearts unspoken prayer
That love will find me there.

Love will find me there.

Staci Peters and Tyler Castleton
Joy in the Journey - EFY 1998

**adapted to fit me

My anxiety is thru the roof. I'm nervous beyond belief. I think I'm gonna be sick. I'm so not ready for the first day of Kindergarden. AHHHHH....  On top of it all, my emotions and logic are conflicting (thanks Bishop) and I just wanna scream.

I'd climb to the top of the nearest mountain and yell BRING IT ON if I thought it would help in the least bit. But I won't, because I don't. 

Peace and Comfort

I love the peace I find in the scriptures and prayers. I have spent the last two days pondering a lot and have finally really accepted and been comforted by everything that has happened. I know my Heavenly Father loves me! I know that he has a grand master plan for me and if I am patient, I will be privileged enough to fulfill that plan!

I have a spent a lot of time study my scriptures. A common thread I keep reading lately is repentance and forgiveness. Hurt is not something I want to hang on to and I know thru the atonement I can let it go. I can find charity in others and be comforted. Another thread is charity. That pure love of Christ for others. That is what I want to have for others and that is what I am going to do!

I have also been rereading and rereading a special blessing I have received. I have gained so much comfort from that! I am excited to see what lies in store for me because of this blessing. There is so much for me to accomplish and I am just excited.

The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, I have found peace and comfort in my scriptures, prayers and in my Heavenly Father's love for me!!!

As I sit here listening to the pitter patter of the rain on the windows, on the cars, on the patio outside I think about my goals, my dreams, who I am, and all that I want to accomplish in life. I begin to seriously wonder what it is that I am supposed to do now... Today, Tomorrow, this week. What is my objective from one day to the next?

My goal is to teach. I am a teacher. I love to be around students. Age doesn't matter really, but I get so excited seeing those around me, those that I am teaching "get it".  As I look at my life in front of me, I know that I may not always be teaching in an institutional setting. I am definitely ok with that. I know that I will be able to teach others in my church callings, my children (someday) and my friends. I get excited at the possibilities that lay ahead of me. 

Another one of my goals is to have a family. It doesn't have to be this year or any time soon, but I want a family. I want the blessings that having a family gives. I want to support a husband in his goals and dreams. To work together to overcome the obstacles we may be faced with. I want to raise children in the Gospel. I know things have happened in my past that may cause concern at times, but for me- these things give me all the more strength and determination to move forward and learn from the mistakes that were made. It gives me more push and drive to truly support myself, a husband and a family someday. It pushes me to keep my identity, to keep my goals and dreams alive, to remember who I am.

I want to be a student. A student of the Gospel. I want a firmer and more solid foundation of the Gospel in which I can bases my life on. I want to be a student of the world. To understand what is going on around me better. To see, to know and to apply what it is that effects me directly. 

I love the pitter patter of the raindrops on the windows, on the cars, on the patio outside. It is soothing and relaxing. It gets me in the right mood to ponder and think.  I think I'm on the right track, no matter what others and those around me say. In the end it's not their life, it's not their decisions, but rather my own with the guidance of Heavenly Father. So in the end, what is it that I am supposed to do today to accomplish my goals in the long run? I pray with Heavenly Father daily that the choices I am making are right, that they are good, that they may be aligned with the plan he has in mind for me. I act in faith that Heavenly Father will let me know when something I have decided is not what he intends. I act in love for myself, those around me and most importantly Heavenly Father. 

Who Am I

I am a child of God. I love my Heavenly Father and can't wait to return to him someday. 

I crave for his guidance and reassurance in all that I do. 

I am a student of the scriptures and of faith. 

I am a missionary.

I am a servant to HF.

I am a woman.

Someday I will be a wife and eventually a mother.

I am a daughter. 

I am a sister. 

I am a friend to many. 

I am a servant to those around me. 

I am comforter to myself and to my friends.

I am a teacher. I excite in seeing others “get it”. 

I strive to be a teacher of emotional, mental and spiritual knowledge to those around me.

I am a role model to others. I have to constantly be aware of my words and actions to those I teach. 

I am an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

     I take things personally and find joy, pain, and peace in that. 

I am strong and weak and that same time.

I am positive and negative.

I am high and I am low.

I am a planner, a procrastinator and a spontaneous person.

I am serious and silly.

I am an extroverted introvert.

I am visual. I like to see what is around me. 

I am a woman who craves touch in relationships (both platonic and romantic).

I need to hear things sometimes more than once to be reassured that it's reality.

I need to experience things first hand in order to understand it and apply it.

I need to spend time and talk with people in order to maintain those relationships.

I AM ME. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. The highs and the lows. The fun and the boring.  The hard worker and the lazy person. The pusher and the one to give up. The lover and the fighter. THIS IS ME.

I had a job interview on Friday. It was for a Kindergarden position. I don't DO Kindergarden. The entire thought scares me. But I went, I felt really good about it and I waited patiently all weekend and all day Monday. Then Tuesday as we were all driving up to Hatcher's I got the call. I like how Adam put it, was it a good call or a bad call? I suppose it was neither. Neither good nor bad because I really do think there's a reason I didn't get the position. There is something better planned for me than Kindergarden, BUT trying to have a great day knowing that I am back to square one with no job, just subbing was really hard. I put a smile on my face, tried not to think about it and had a fabulous day with Daniel, Adam and Keisae (sp??) anyways.

I also found out yesterday that my brother and his wife are having a baby girl!!! I'm so excited for them. Two cute little boys and now a little girl to add to the mix! I'm just so excited. 

My family is leaving here in 2.5 weeks. I still can't believe that they are actually moving. They said they were going to leave in May and I convinced them to stay until June. Now it's August and they are still here. We have enjoyed our time together, even though I haven't been around much. I look forward to seeing them at Christmas. That is going to be my christmas present to myself, a ticket to Mobile, Alabama to see my family and the new baby. It will actually be the first Christmas in over twenty years with my dad who lives in Florida. Craziness. 

I got released from my calling at church as Relief Society Enrichment Counselor, just to be recalled as the same thing with the new presidency. Fun Stuff. 

What a Touching Daddy Daughter Moment

So dad needed to run some errands today and since he was in a state of "druggedupiness" he asked me to take him. I agreed and figure it would be a great time to chat with him about some of the things going on in my life. Hmmm, boy was I in for an adventure. 

First some background information is needed. Dad has a jeep. A very fun jeep that I personally like to play around in. Mind you when I drive it I am responsible and fill it up with gas. The last time I used it, it had over half a tank of gas so I didn't feel the need to fill it up. So anyways, we got in the jeep and started the ten minute drive to town. I noticed the gas was low but assumed (my first mistake) that there was enough gas in the jeep to get us around town to do our errands and then to the gas station. We got to town, we ran our errands and as were were on KGB I looked at dad and said and I quote "Didn't mom teach you to never let the gas get below a quarter tank?" and he quickly replied "you mean a half a tank!" Only seconds later, the jeep jerked and puttered to a stop on the side of the road. I looked at my dad in disbelief and we both just laughed. So I called mom and told her that dad did it again, that we were sitting on the side of the road out of gas on KGB. I looked at him and shook my head.  Needless to say we didn't get much of our father-daughter chat in.

So while we were sitting there waiting for mom to come to our rescue I text Daniel and this is how the conversation proceeded...

T: So my father likes to leave his jeep on empty and we are now sitting on the side of the road waiting for mi madre.

D: Are you with your dad or is he just the absent culprit?

T: We are together! We were just talking about how he leaves it on empty and I was going to stop for gas...This is the second time this has happened to me!

D: Lol i'm trying not to laugh but :-)

T: We are both laughing, so it's ok

D:What a touching daddy daughter moment

Lose-Lose Situation

I woke up this morning extremely happy. After a fantabulous evening and a night filled with great dreams, I woke up excited. I was excited to see what today would bring. Each day is a gift and I am trying to live life acknowledging the blessings in my life.

So I woke and it wasn't more than ten minutes into the day and my mom is yelling at me that I don't help around the house. What the heck. She was saying how on Monday I didn't help clean the house. Oh my goodness, I wanted to just flip out, so maybe I did a little bit. Monday I vacuumed the carpets, shampooed the carpets, swept all the floors while the entire time I did this with a massive migraine and extreme back pain. Did I complain then, no I did not. I did the work. When I realized I had reached my physical limitations and had over done it I went to bed. Which is worse, Trish crabby as all heck because she was miserable, or sleeping and trying to alleviate the pain? Well obviously it was the sleeping and not helping out.

Sometimes I feel like my mom is a walking contradiction. She does the same thing. I love my mom and respect her dearly, but seriously come on. So then I cleaned the bathroom this morning, tried to put all of our junk in my room so it's not floating around the house, put all ten pairs of shoes in my room, vaccumed the floors (again) and she just looked at me the entire time with this disapproving look on her face. Like I'm only doing it because she told me too. Ugh, can I just not do anything right???

I've learned over the years to suck it up and just do it, but then of course there is no winning. It seems to be a lose-lose situation. If I do something just because it needs to be done, I get the "you should have done that sooner". If I wait to be told to do it I get the "I shouldn't have to tell you to do something". There is no winning.

So it's a continual cycle of frustration and anxiety of feeling like I'm not doing anything right. Why we can't all work together and get it done, so that nobody is doing all the work... So that we are all partaking in the work and can all enjoy the benefits of being done in the end. I have found that it's more fun, much simpler, and quicker when you do things, like cleaning, together.

Me in a Nut-Shell

1. My favorite ice-cream flavor is Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough! Yummy
2. I LOVE LOVE LOVE gerber daisies!
3. I had a three-legged, one-eyed dog growing up.
4. I am a girly girl who loves makeup, cute clothes, and jewelry....BUT i can handle the great out doors!
5. I love pizza, and don't get enough of it.
6. I love to cook and bake.
7. I live to have fun.
8. I love watching movies....we have over 600 at home and I've seen probably 80% of them.
9. I love stars.
10. I dream of going to Thailand, Spain, Italy, Turkey, Egypt and Greece.
11. I love to people watch.
12. I've had my heart broken on more than one occasion yet I still love LOVE.
13. I love to go find a secluded spot in nature to sit and think.
14. I don't eat chocolate unless it's white, or in a candy bar coating other stuff (i.e. snickers, etc)
15. I love taking pictures of people, places or things.
16. I've lived in New Mexico, Florida, California, Colorado, Iowa, Minnesota, and Alaska.
17. My favorite color is PINK! Followed by blue, black and silver
18. I have a fear of small places, heights and lots of people. 

19. I have a puppy (3.5 year old Lhasa Apso) named Roxy.
20. I have an appreciation for 80's hair band music!
21. I love my family, they are the greatest people I know.
22. I have absolutely amazing friends!
23. I wear sandals in the middle of winter!
24. I don't eat fast food hamburgers, only from sit down restaurants or home-made.
25. Raspberries and Pineapple are my two favorite fruit!

God Blessed the Broken Road

I'm starting to believe that God Blessed the (my) Broken Road.

Everything I've been through has been for a reason. It has made me a stronger person. If it weren't for the trials and obstacles I have had to face in my life I would not be where I am today. I would not be having the experiences I am if I had not made those decisions that brought me here. I thank God EVERY DAY that I am where I am now, for I truly believe that this is where I am supposed to be. My road was broken, but it is being fixed and has been fixed and I have been blessed in so many ways. 

Where do I fit in the Picture?

So I woke up this morning with an over-all feeling of angst in my life. AHHHHHH. I really don't know what brought it on either. I've been generally really happy, enjoying life one day at at and taking what life brings head on. Well....yeah, that just went out the window. Nothing brought it on, nothing was said, nothing happened....just woke up feeling HELPLESS. 

Here's a not so quick over-view of my life.....

A) My dad lost his really good job in April. Has to 'look' for a new job for unemployment but in all reality nobody is going to hire him since he can barely walk, stand, move, etc. He is working on getting full disability from the VA but that takes time. LOTS AND LOTS OF TIME.  With Dad losing his job, we had to move out of our house. We ended up renting it on a Friday and had to be out by the following Thursday. The entire move was put on mom's and my shoulders. Since dad cant' do anything, he couldn't help and just seemed to be in the way the whole entire process. Granted the elders and a few people stopped in to help, but that was still frustrating having to move out of what I learned to call "home" for the past year. Of course I had planned to move out either this summer or early fall and that has happened sooner than expected. so now I'm living with some family friends from church. Needless to say I don't like it. 

B) I really want/need a teaching contract. I would be able to pay off ALL of my debt easily with a contract within a few months. Granted I get paid fairly well subbing but it's just not the same. I miss having students I see everyday, building those relationships, and having fun. Subbing is hard work and I know I can do it. I have and I will. I know and have come to understand and accept that there is a reason for me to be subbing. It gives me the flexibility to go anywhere. Of course that is the blessing of being a teacher in general. I can teach anywhere in the country, even the world. So as I told my mom and dad, who knows I could end up teaching in Timbuktu!

C) MY BROTHER. A little background on my older brother Tony's and my relationship. We have been the strength, the foundation for all negative situations we must face in life. I was fortunate enough to actually be there for him during his divorce, he was able to comfort me over the phone during mine, we have been there during the toughest times and some of the sweetest. My brother is one of the many angels and hero's in my life. I look at my brother and see the personal progression he has made and I am so proud of him. He has three beautiful children with one on the way and a wife that puts up with his 'Ramos' craziness. Jasmine is the best thing that has ever happened to Tony. I have had to pull back on being my brother's foundation and strength the past 3.5 years since he got married. Jasmine has the job of fulfilling that role now, but it's hard. She hasn't always been there for everything and doesn't know what it was like growing up for us. Right now they are going through a frustrating ordeal with his crazy ex-wife about custody and visitation of his oldest daughter Jordan. It's been a struggle for me to not cross that line of interfering when Tony calls asking for advice. It takes a lot for me to remember to call Jas and ask her how she is dealing with all of it. I have to hand over all the reigns to her and remind my brother that she now holds the power that I use to and he needs to exercise that trust in her. 

D) I've been called as Relief Society Enrichment Counselor in our ward. I have no idea what that means! It didn't help that Bishop didn't know either. He said talk to Andrea about it. I talked to Andrea and she said do whatever Cara wants/tells you to do. So I talked to Cara and she said don't worry about it! Ahhhh. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing and not having control. So right now I have this calling and I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm feeling useless. 

E) This feeling of being ALONE..... My family is moving to Alabama within a month (that was the latest update anyways). I moved here to Alaska to be with them and now they are leaving and I am staying here. It was pretty obvious to me during a blessing that I received that I had to stay here. However, this feeling of being alone is become more and more of a reality in my life instead of something that was going to happen eventually. I know I will always have my family but they are moving to ALABAMA. Could they possibly get any farther away???? of course they could but that's not the point. I know I'm not alone. I have some of the most AMAZING friends I have ever had in my entire life surrounding me right now, but it's this over-all feeling of (I guess a better word to describe it is) fear of being left alone, truly on my own for the first time ever. It honestly truly SCARES ME. 

D) Bishop asked me about a month ago if I had a testimony of the Gospel. I do. But I feel so inadequate in my knowledge of the Gospel. I didn't grow up hearing and reading all the stories like those around me did, I'm having to learn them for myself. I hate not knowing what and who people are talking about when they are discussing the scriptures. For about the past two months I have been having difficulty picking up my scriptures and reading them. It's something I just have to do, this I know. But it's hard for me. Last night at Institute Brother Bacon (sp?) asked us about biblical people and I just felt so inadequate. Ugh. I need a good kick in the butt and motivator to start reading my scriptures again. I look at them every day and tell myself I need to read them but then I just pass over them and go on to do something else. 

E. Distractions. I LIKE distractions. I REALLY like distractions. 

So this is life and the question I have is: WHERE DO I FIT IN THE PICTURE? I have many blessings in my life I am truly thankful for. I have my family who has been an unbelievable strength and love to me. AND I have friends who keep me going. AND I have my health. AND I live in a beautiful state. AND I have the freedom to practice my faith openly. AND I have the opportunity to learn and move on from those trials that I have been afflicted with in my life AND know that there is a reason for them AND a lesson to be learned. 

I will continue to live each day one at a time, be happy, love what is happening and continue to have fun, healthy distractions in my life. Period of angst now OVER.

One Day At A Time

In June I had the opportunity to go back to Minnesota for 9 days. It was exhilarating, happy, sad, and frustrating all at the same time. How in one week I could have the best time of my life with old friends and want to scream at another situation entirely, just bewilders me.

One incident however comes to mind. I had the "pleasure" of having to interact with someone in my past for a brief 20 minutes or so one particular night. It was frustrating and emotional to say the least. Being away from family and my Alaskan friends I was rather distraught and needed some major comforting. I was able to call Jenn, the one friend here in Alaska who actually understands and can bring me back down to reality concerning the situation. We talked for a bit and then we prayed. Both of us on our knees, phones to our ears, thousands of miles between us, but our Heavenly Father surrounding us both in comfort and love. I thought a lot that night about life and the power I give other people to control my emotions. I vowed that I would no longer allow them to control me. I would from that point forward live each day one at a time, and not give anybody the power to make myself angry, upset, or sad. Only I had that power and I wasn't going to give in.  I vowed to have fun, be happy, make friends and see the blessings that life has to offer. I came back from Minnesota with a new outlook on life. With a new perspective and a new goal.

GOAL: Take each day one at a time and make the most of it. Don't allow others to control my emotions and have fun!

Frustrations in Others

Why is it that people are so quick to judge others, especially when they don't even know them. Something that I have always tried to make a personal goal of mine is to decide how I feel about a person after I have gotten to know them. If I were to make decisions about a person based on what other people say or first impressions I would be judging them or treating them unfairly. 

The Lord gave a warning to guide us in our judgements of others. it says "With what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye—and behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye" (3 Nephi 14:2–5).

In this scripture passage the Lord teaches that a fault we see in another is often like a tiny speck in that person's eye, compared to our own faults, which are like an enormous beam in our eyes. Sometimes we focus on others' faults when we should instead be working to improve ourselves. 

As much as I hate to say this, but it's true, we should be careful in what we say or what we do because I know that I am being unfairly and unkindly judged by others. 

Losing faith in the human race

Maybe it's my job, perhaps its my past experiences or what I see on the news, or perhaps it's just by observing the world and the lives and events of everyday people. Toss in the suffering, the inhumanity to man, dishonesty, injustice, the loss of values and morals and you really start to wonder how anyone can be happy. Do people really not see how the real world is? Are people really that blind to what is going on around them? Perhaps it's just me, I don't know. But I'm really starting to lose faith in the human race. 

We are each on a path that was created individually for us by God. Let's say all is good and we make all the right turns or choices that we are supposed to, that have been set for us to make. Then one day we make a left instead of a right, and the next day we make another left, and we keep making lefts instead of rights.  At what point does God change his plan for us? Does it it change? Or does he keep it the same expecting us to get back on that "right" path? 

I believe and know that my ultimate goal is to return to my Father in Heaven. I am faced with trials that I am to overcome and learn lessons from. However, there are times when these trials are loaded up upon me and I just don't know what else I am supposed to do. These trials come in the form of friends, the adversary, temptations, yearnings, distractions, and even my own personal goals. It is during these times that the human race seems to be broken the most. When we rely and need each other to help keep us strong and lift us up. 

It seems that some of the people in my life are trials, temptations and have sadly become a reason to lose faith in the human race. Now I am not saying all of them. I have my personal angels and those friends that would do anything to help me at a moments notice. I try to surround myself with people who are going to help me make those right turns instead of the lefts. But what am I supposed to do about those other people? For example, there are two people that I know that it seems like things did not go as one might have wanted, expected, thought, or whatnot. Now instead of becoming, being, and/or remaining friends, we don't talk at all. If we exchange hellos it's surprising. I have tried my hardest to remain open and friendly because that is what I would want, and do want, in return. Perhaps our expectations of each other are help to high. I admit I do that to people myself. How can we change this? Because right now, it is this cutting people off that makes me lose faith in people.

I want to believe in people. I want to restore the good and the happiness. I want to have faith in the human race. 

A check back into reality...

So I know I have been cantankerous lately; not the most enjoyable person to be around. I am trying to get through this and I know I can't do it alone. I've been gently reminded that "I need a vacation" which by the way 'thanks- it makes me feel SO much better' being told that. Anyways a good friend last night told me something that I needed to hear. He was my angel yesterday, the person who made today better for me. He didn't have to know what all was going on, but he knew something was up. This was the answer to one of my prayers and I hope you are reminded that you ARE a child of God, that he DOES love you, and he IS there for you when you need him!

God loves you; as he loves each and everyone of his creations, He gave to humans the ability to choose and with the test of life being multiple choice he knows we're bound to miss a question or two... He knows you and cares deeply, more deeply than any human being can. He knows the workings of your heart and you've felt his footprint there on days that are just damned if you live them out in any way. He was there when you were hurt he's been there every time you have cried both physically or on the inside... He is silent when you speak, his feelings tell us all we need, the Spirit guides us and prompts us at his bequest. He loves you and misses you. Things will work out just keep his name on your lips and a prayer in your heart.

a city girl's thoughts on Alaska

Alaska.... I must be crazy. I moved here in July of 2008. What was I thinking? I had never imagined myself in a place this far from civilization. I pondered the idea for a while and came to the conclusion I could do anything for one year. 365 days, 12 months....no problem!  Well my year is almost up and after lots of prayers I am staying for at least another year. We will decide the next year when the time comes. 

So what is Alaska like you may wonder. Well it is absolutely beautiful! I am amazed every day by something I see. For example, I was driving home the other day and the way the clouds were surrounding the mountains were breath-taking. I actually pulled the car over and sat there just looking at it. I'm sure the other cars thought I was probably insane! It's not only the scenery, but the hiking, fishing, camping, canoeing, kayaking, animal watching that is truly amazing. I am a true city girly girl and I am learning that I love Alaska!

Alaska does take some getting used to. Coming from the Twin Cities and moving to Wasilla, AK where the nearest actual city is Anchorage (an hour away) is a culture shock. It is safe to say that life here in Alaska is behind 2-5 years. I was walking through the store the other day and saw a pair of shoes I bought in MN 2 years ago on the rack. Craziness I tell you. There is limited entertainment depending on what you like to do. I miss the options of live music. It's there, but it's not what you may say current music or the most popular. There are the usual movie theaters, bowling, movie nights at someone's house, etc. But it just doesn't beat the clubs, restaurants, the CULTURE of a big city. I am going through with-drawl!